Scientists Discover New Element
Al Gorithim
Science In The News
November 4, 2011
Oxford University researchers have discovered the lightest element yet known to science. Lighter than Hydrogen (symbol=H), but, unlike Hydrogen, entirely without a useful function, the new element, Republicum (symbol=GOP), is an ignoble gas that has a small amount of wealthy neutrons at its center, with a shifting number of gubernatorial neutrons, congressional neutrons and media neutrons in orbit around the core, giving it an atomic mass of 1 percent. This 1 percent is mainly held together by forces called morons.
Since Republicum has no valid electrons, it is basically inert, except it violently rejects all forms of Taxinium (symbol=Tx). It can also be detected impeding every positive action with which it comes into contact, especially that of Obamium (symbol=BHO). A tiny amount can cause a process that would normally take less than a week to take from 4 months to 4 years to complete. Republicum has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the congressional neutrons and gubernatorial neutrons exchange places. In fact, its mass can actually increase slightly over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion has led some scientists to believe that Republicum is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration, which then causes the formation of a new gas, Teabaggium (symbol=TP), but the Oxford study proves that Teabaggium is, in reality, merely a noisier and inferior offshoot of the wealthy 1 percent core of Republicum, but otherwise indistinguishable from it and not a separate gas at all.
When catalyzed with enough money, Republicum inevitably converts into Corruptinium (symbol=$$), an element that radiates just as much energy as Republicum, but involves twice the number of morons. Corruptinium then emits a hot foul-smelling gas called Propagandium (symbol=PP) which it attempts to use to influence other elements to meld with Republicum; however, field tests show Propagandium over the long term produces diminishing results in this regard, eventually rendering other elements immune to its effects.
Sunlight and clean voting processes have proven to be the best disinfectant with which to dispel Republicum and its offshoots.
